Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...


Friday, December 28, 2012

OH JUST TRY IT ALREADY!

Have I been slacking off here at angst land a little?  Yes.  Maybe.  Perhaps.  Noooooo....

whatever.

It was Christmas too...let's not forget that...

The point is, I've been happily, peacefully drawing really crappy cartoons with my computer mouse, and a cheap program that comes with everyone's computer.  And I've been laughing at my own stupid jokes.

Yes.

That is what I've been doing.

But, I want you guys to drop in too!  So, I cordially invite you to pop by my other, newer, fresher, more vibrant blog.

No! Wait!

I know what you're thinking--not another new blog, but this new one's okay, because unlike the old, super verbose one, this new one only takes you SECONDS to peruse and enjoy! THAT'S GOOD, RIGHT?!?

So please, won't you drop by my new blog?  I'm having so much fun over there, but I feel like there aren't many people at that party yet.  Sniff!


My Boring Life In Pictures

Shamelessly whoring myself for your love!
Can't wait to see you there!
xoxo



Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Festiveness at karen's






Everyone! Look!  I, karen the uninspired and uninspiring, made THE most fabulous, rustic Christmas-ish centrepiece!  Hooray!

Okay, too many exlamation points.

I have this fabulous bowl/vase thingy with a bird motif on it, because I lurv birds.  I got my girlie and The Man to go out and get me a bag of pine cones from a nearby park.  I filled up the bowl with the pinecones, some cinnamon sticks, and some curls from the skin of a clementine.  Then I set it on this crazy little silver dollar-store tray, added my little birdy buddy who I found in a thrift shop, chopped a branch off my golden cedar and VOILA, awesomeness.  Oh, and I threw some oranges on the tray for colour.

You know you like it.








My mother in law was kind enough to give me a big hunk from her juniper bush.  Apparently juniper is the good luck bush, and has some biblical significance, but I am NOT a bible person, so I'll leave that up to y'all to meditate upon.  I like the Christmasy look of it.  The smell is a cross between a Christmas tree and CAT PEE.  HOORAY!

YOU CAN TIE A RIBBON AROUND ANYTHING AND MAKE IT FESTIVE, APPARENTLY.

That's a picture of my grandfather in Poland beside the juniper.



Oh! Everyone! Here's a romantic story for you!  See those FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC rustic Santa stick guys in the square glass vase?  WELL, one day I was looking at Christmas decoration stuff online, and came across a site that featured easy, do-it-yourself crafts.  I freaked for the Santa sticks, and pleaded with The Man to make them for me.  Then one night I went out Christmas shopping, and when I returned home, he surprised me with them.

He had sneakily collected some sticks at a nearby park one afternoon when he was out with the kids, and then he quickly painted them all up when I was out one night for a couple of hours.

ROMANCE AT MY AGE!

Damn, I love those crazy Santa sticks.

You have no idea.




At MY house, this year we fill the bowls with FRUIT, MOTHERF***ERS.
THAT is how WE roll.

I don't know...it looks pretty, right?





Charming table of Santas.

Luckily, my son has stopped messing with the letters for fun.  "LEON" does NOT spell "CHRISTMAS."



Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree...




Do you know how much I lurv Santa?!?  I FREAKING HEART SANTA.  If someone gives me a card with Santa on it, that is GUARANTEED to be saved FOREVER.





I love you Santa! SNIFF! xoxoxo





I got this card a long time ago from a friend.  It's a reproduction of a German postcard from the early 1900's.  My son says he hates it because Santa looks like "a lady."

Whatever.
















freaking Santa Claus....so awesome.







True story! I made this little clothes peg soldier when I was in grade 1.  I concentrated so hard while I was painting it, that I didn't realise I'd painted the face sideways to the body.  So, soldier buddy looks over his shoulder forever.  This is not a big deal, but it IS so typically KAREN that it's a little bit painful.





suck it in....drink up all the Christmas...









Stained glass Santa in the window




my poinsettia survived a whole year


hey! Any idiot can make RICE KRISPY SQUARES.  
Why not make SUPER SQUARES?!?  You know you want to try it.






yummy...


karen's Super Squares

5 cups of HEALTHY cereal.  NO glucose fructose, damn it! 
 ( I used: 2 cups honey nut cheerios
   2 cups bran flakes
   1 cup organic bite-sized whole wheat )
5 cups marshmallows
1/4 cup butter
1 cup salted peanuts
1/2 cup chocolate chips

on medium heat, melt butter and marshmallows in a large pan

when that goo is melted, remove from heat and add cereals and stir quickly.  Then add peanuts and chocolate chips and stir till combined.

dump into a buttered 9x11 baking dish and press down to fit.  When cooled, cut and use your hands to lightly mold them into rough, sticky balls.  

Seriously--everyone loved them, and they are crammed with fibre. 






Happy Holidays, everyone!



Friday, December 14, 2012

Christmas Goodies For Me And Amateurish Carols For You!

Recently, my new bloggy friend Kelly  had a giveaway.
Actually, she's already had two giveaways, because she's not a total cheap-ass like I am, but whatever.  And, because, somehow, the whole world has yet to discover how lovely and charming she is, and she's new to the blog-o-sphere, she only had three followers at the time of her first giveaway, and two of those followers entered the contest.  I was one of the two.

And THAT my friends, is the only way I am ever going to be able to win ANYTHING.

BOO YAH!

No, actually, that is not true. Even with only two people entering a contest, I am quite certain that I still would have lost.  But, Kelly's husband said that because there were just two of us, we both should win, so,

BOO YAH.

Who doesn't like getting packages in the mail?!?  I LOVE packages!!!  Make jokes about love of PACKAGES on your own time.

the package says "urgent shipment", hur hur hur...


Aherm.



So, finally, my package arrived!  EXCITEMENT!




Damn STRAIGHT, "CONGRATULATIONS!"




HOORAY FOR PACKAGES!  OH LOOKEE!  TWO PACKAGES!  The second box came straight from Melton Mowbray England, home of the famous pork pie.  The Man loves The Pork Pie better than he loves me, perhaps.  My brother is currently obsessed with making pies:  meat pies, fruit pies, pot pies, Cornish pasties, and because he is the freak that he is, he even found this online tutorial to make a real Melton Mowbray pork pie for The Man's birthday.  But, he didn't have a "pie dolly" to make one, which is a hunk of wood that you form the crust around and...

oh shit, that's boring.  In the box is a wooden pie dolly from England.  Nuff said.

But here's what I  got!





- a fab little tube of Sephora perfecting eye primer, and a little kit of Sephora lip glosses in various sparkly, lick-me colours,

- a tube of amazing "Soap And Glory" hand-lotion, that turns dish-pan hands into SOFT dish-pan hands!

- some super-dark chocolate triangles and pink Himalayan salt from Trader Joe's

and some sketch pads and pencil crayons for the kids.

YAAAAY!

And do you know what?  We do not have this mythical, magical store known as TRADER JOE'S here, so that is super duper cool.

Thank you Kelly, Christmas came early!

There! Wasn't that nice?!?  YES! IT WAS RIDICULOUSLY NICE!

Thus, in the spirit of GIVING, I am going to give a gift to you people.  It is a crappy, grainy, amateurish video of me singing the karaoke version of one of my favourite Christmas songs.

You must ignore my mugging and crowing and pay attention instead to the general background CHAOS that I live with on a daily basis.  Yes, it is a small sampling of my life here in ANGST LAND.  You will be relieved to know that The Man is having a TICKLE fest with the children, and is not pulling legs off, as one might imagine.  And yes, that is my son screeching at me to "STOP SINGING" at one point.

Who says I never give you anything?!?  MWAH!

video


Oh yeah...I suppose I should say that I do not own the rights to this song, and blah blah, I don't intend to use it for money making purposes, or re-distribution, or anything like that, and as far as I know, it's still legal to sing a song you like in this country.

There.  All better?

Happy caroling my friends!!

**Update:  Sorry everyone, but you won't be able to find Kelly's blog.  Due to personal reasons, Kelly had to delete it.  So, I removed the link.  Sniff!  

Monday, December 10, 2012

Oh Hormones, You Suck FOREVER

I don't talk about PMS too much anymore, do I?

I don't think I do at least.  Remember when y'all were so sick of hearing about my period, and the PMS that preceded it, and all my problems with the lady paraphernalia we have to choose from during my Lady Tsunami?

Ah...the good old days.

Well, I used to suffer so much from PMS.  In fact, I suffered so much that I learned from my bloggy buddies that it was more than your garden-variety, run-of-the-mill PMS.  It was actually PREMENSTRUAL DYSPHORIC DISORDER!  Hooray for disorders!  Actually, boo.

On the side bar of my blog, there are always links to my posts about trying to conquer the PMS monster.  I found a good, over-the-counter herbal supplement at my local health-food store, and that thing changed my life.  Instead of having two solid weeks of either wanting to die, wanting to kill someone with strangling hands, or wanting to eat chocolate with cheese melted on top, I had just a few days peppered here and there throughout the two weeks leading up to my period.

Improvement!

But, I have to let you guys in on a little secret:  I haven't taken that supplement in MONTHS.  Why?  I'm an idiot?  Maybe.  But in this case, no.  I found something that works as well as the supplement.  You're not going to like it. I don't like it.  But, I'll tell you anyway:

EXERCISE.

(and slightly disheartening, but very healthy changes in diet)

Frigging exercise.  Yes, I find exercise fairly unpleasant, but I am going to unapologetically tell you that exercise has improved my life dramatically.  I actually have a libido now.  A freaking libido.  I haven't seen that guy since I was in my 20's.

Ew.  You don't need to know this.

Also, I have all-day energy.  All day.  Well, with the exception of that black-hole time of day between 4 and 5 PM when I have to swirl some crap together in a pan and transform it into dinner, when all I want to do is have a NAP.

I found that diet and exercise manage my PMDD as well as the supplement.

But

there are still those tricky two weeks leading up to my period.  I'm not so filled with rage for fourteen days anymore.  I still get three days of pure, she-hulk anger though. I hate that.

And then, there's my favourite:  the apathy.  I don't give a crap about anything for two weeks.  I want to be left mostly alone for two weeks.  I don't even sign in to my blog for two weeks.  I don't want to write anything. When my sister says; "when the hell are you going to do another blog post?!?"  I say "pppfft...someday when I FEEL like it again."  I don't want to email anyone.  I can't even reply to the email you might have sent me.  Libido dries up COMPLETELY.  I just want to be left in my peaceful, vegetative state.

This month has been a bad one.  Do you know what it's like to have PMS while living in a house with a high-functioning/probably has Aspergers son?  It's HORRENDOUS.  The kid has PMS RADAR.  He can tell the second I am less than my usual, crusty but lovable self.  He needs me to be his emotional weighted blanket.  All. The. Time.  You'll have to google "weighted blanket" yerself.

And when I'm not the emotional ROCK that my son needs, he is relentless.  He badgers me.  He taunts me.  He is sarcastic. He mocks me.  He pushes me until I snap.  This month was really bad, because I had four days of the worst PMS I've had in a long, long time, with debilitating anger and frustration.  By Monday night, my little guy had broken me, and I was sobbing against The Man's chest.  And then, The Man was doing the dishes, and sending me off to Zellers.  I went too, with my red-cry face and bags under my eyes.  Hard days.

I have noticed that around the same time every month, I get a message from my lovely friend Sherilin, basically asking where I've "disappeared" to. Warms the cockles of my heart.

And then there's my new bloggy friend Kelly.  Seriously--why aren't you reading Kelly?  I love her writing, and her raw honesty.  But I'll be talking about Kelly more in my next post.  Anyhoo, in one of Kelly's posts, she mentions how losing weight is a struggle [for her personally] because thanks to her hormones and such, she only loses weight for two weeks out of the month.  Well, my jaw dropped. A lightbulb went on.  It was a freaking EPIPHANY.

When I hear about people losing weight, it seems to me that they tend to lose it much faster than I do.  I would puzzle over this, knowing that I bust my ass every day with exercise, and am so well-behaved with my eating, that it's ridiculous.  But, then it's two weeks before RED BUDDY, and suddenly I order The Man:  GO OUT AND GET CHOCOLATE."  I have to have some junk food.  I become the crack-whore of junk food. I can't get it off my mind.  I must have it.  And even though I still exercise every day, I can feel the wheels of progress grind to a hault.

Oh, but please don't think I'm trying to say that Kelly has PMDD too.  I'm saying that some of us just have EXTRA good fun with our bodies.

Great story karen.  What's the point?  HORMONES.  No matter what I do, I have reconciled myself to the fact that this is who I am.  I suffer from Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder, and this is just my life.  I will never take prescription medicine to deal with it, so this is pretty much just who I am.  It's comforting, in an ironic way, to know this, because it's so damn difficult to understand our SELVES.

So, to all you other girls out there who are MISSING IN ACTION fifty percent of your life, just know that I'm right there with you.

...but email me about it AFTER my period.  Thanks.




Friday, November 30, 2012

Oh my god. Remember THIS?!?

Do you REMEMBER all the Prince protegés in the 80's?!?
Too much.







So sad everyone: "Vanity" had to quit the group in 1984, so she was replaced by Appolonia.  Come on--you remember Appolonia:


 

Is that not HORRID?!? Come ON! You have to watch a few seconds of it. My favourite though, of all the girls Prince "created" was Sheila E. She was so cool when she hit those drums:



 



She had the other girls beat, because even though she might have been wearing a teddy, she could sing AND play the drums.

Vanity 6 


Appalonia 6 (source)
note the teddy bear

source
you know you lurv it


source
oh, and don't forget about Prince...


this was "sexy" in the 80's


Don't you miss all that lacy, lingerie CHEESE?  Oh, the 80's.  

I want to know which of you had PURPLE RAIN style.  

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

The Weekend After I Found Out I Wasn't Going To Croak

Yeah, yeah.  You people think I'm soooooo virtuous.  You think that all I do is walk around like a militant anti-junkfood despot.  You think it's all salads and antioxidants here.

Well, I have news for you:  I'm not a total robot!  Yeah, I avoid as much processed food as possible, and yes I am militant about fructose and I never ever have artificial sweeteners, and I exercise 6 days a week and blah blah.

But...last Friday after a month of stress, I found out my hooter didn't have a tumor in it....and....and well....

I drew it for you.



So...right after I found out that the little bumple they biopsied in my hooter was benign, I was soooooooo happy and relieved.  So was The Man.  He decided we should immediately celebrate.






I NEVER get coffee and a donut.  I mean, I make coffee at home, but...well, whatever.


Then he thought we should REALLY celebrate!  HOORAY FOR TAKEOUT FOOD!







Saturday.  The Man bought these chocolate croissant thingies. I never get too horny for store-bought goodies, but whatever.  I'd give it a try with my morning coffee.






Ermahgerd.




Crack.  It was chocolate pastry crack.


Later I was checking the pathetic, run-down state of our near-empty liquor cabinet.  Mon dieu! What's a liquor cabinet if you don't even have the ingredients to make a CRUSTY WIFE! (you can find the recipe HERE)

So, I told The Man that he was simply going to have to fork out some big bucks to re-stock that cabinet.




And then, when he got back from the liquor store, it was like freaking CHRISTMAS






Then my dad came over for late afternoon cocktails.  Do you people know how long it's been since I've had a RYE AND COKE?!?  DO YOU KNOW????  NO! HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY KNOW?!?  YOU HAVE NO IDEA!!!!!






WHISKY AND COKE GOOOD....SOO, SOOOOO GOOOOOOD...






Perhaps a little too good...


Well, if you've been spending time socializing and enjoying cocktails, you certainly don't have time to make dinner.  Luckily The Man is RESOURCEFUL!







Yeah!  HELL YEAH! WHY NOT?  I'M ALIVE!




By Sunday I didn't feel good anymore.  At all.









Tuesday, November 20, 2012

The Book That RUINED My Less Healthy Life

Remember the good old days?

I do.

It would be a Saturday night. I'd be comfy cozy on the couch.  For some reason, there's this one angelic TV station that has been having Saturday night Sex & The City marathons for months and months and months.  And you know, no matter how many times I've seen those episodes, I never, ever get sick of them.

I will never, ever get sick of you.  I don't care what
ANYONE says! SNIFF!

Except for that season when Carrie dated Berger.  Blech. I hated Berger.


hey! I was so whiny and douchy and unappealing on the
show that S&TC fans can't stand me in ANYTHING
now!  Now THAT'S good acting!

Yeah. Any season except the one with Berger in it.  But then, I also hate when Carrie dated the politician who wanted her to pee on him...

Wait.. what was I talking about?

Oh yeah...the former life of a juicier, less concerned karen.

It would be Saturday night, I'd be all cozy on the couch with a giant bag of Doritos on my lap, and a rye and coke at my right, ice melting gently into the delicious, fizzy goodness.  That's right:  cramming orangey red corn triangles down my yap and washing it down with DELICIOUS POISON.

But no.  Not anymore.

Last March I got into torturous, de-humanizing circuit training exercise dvd's.  And then, on a whim, I signed this book out from the library:



AND IT WAS F*CKING HORRIFYING.

And I ranted the hell out of what I learned in THIS POST.  Cuz I was FURIOUS.

*For the record, you should be furious too, because even though you're probably trying to be healthy with what you buy from the grocery store, chances are you are being SABOTAGED, and we're all bombarded by all the shit they put--not just in our food--in our bath washes, and that stuff they put on couches and rugs to make it stain-resistant and the awful plastics that are used for EVERYTHING AND

Okay, nevermind.  You guys didn't get furious the first time, so I'll just keep my fury to myself and hope that at least a few people empower themselves from the evil powers that be, and try to rid themselves of as many toxins as possible.

Oh yeah! Doritos!  Well, the thing is, I found out that Doritos has SIX DIFFERENT GLUTAMATES in it.  Sure, you've heard of Monosodium Glutamate, or MSG, right?  Ooo...bad...avoid MSG! Yeah, and just imagine:  those chips that I loved so much I composed a frigging SONG about them?  They have SIX of those bastards.

And glutamates are BAD!  If you consume enough of them, they actually damage your brain.

TASTY!

Dig this shit:

The third most used flavor enhancer in North American food, after salt and pepper, is a drug. Glutamic acid, most commonly found in the form monosodium glutamate (MSG) is classified as a food additive by both the Health Canada and the US Food and Drug Administration. It is actually drug-like in its effects, despite attempts by both government and industry to convince us otherwise. 

Everyone is susceptible to the toxic effects of glutamates. Glutamate is the most common neurotransmitter in the brain; that is, it is responsible for transporting chemical signals from neuron to neuron. To do this job, glutamate is rapidly released in minute quantities and then rapidly re-absorbed. If there is a high level of glutamates in the bloodstream, glutamate can enter the brain and cause the neurons to misfire, causing physical and psychological problems, and in extreme cases, permanent damage.  

(from All Glutamates Are Not Created Equal )

And I know what you're thinking:  karen's such a DOWNER now.   She's all nutrition this and nutrition that and I just want to eat my greasy fries and not have her harping on me like someone's hellish mother

DAMN RIGHT I'M GOING TO HARP!  That shit's f*cked up!  And now that I know all about it, I can't eat it any longer!!! I haven't had Doritos in MONTHS!

And as for that delicious rye and coke?  I love whisky!  I want to marry it!  Come on!  You've seen the ridiculous whisky love festival, right?!?




JUST CLICK HERE

Yeah.  I lurved whisky.  I still LURV IT.  It hates me though.  I didn't read anything scary about whisky.  I mean, booze in general is bad, and if you're a lady and you have more than two measly drinks per day, you raise your risk of getting breast cancer ridiculously, but har har, whatever.

My problem was waking up with a racing heart.  Yes, and when you're up at 3 in the morning, and you're fervently praying not to die, and you're NOT EVEN RELIGIOUS FOR CRAP'S SAKE, then there is something very wrong, my friends.

So, do you know what I eat now on Saturday nights?  Or most nights for that matter, unless demon PMS wraps her cold, dead hands around my neck, starts to squeeze and hisses EAT SOMETHING OR I WILL KILL YOU...


Do you know what I eat now?

Nothing.  A big, shitty plate of nothing.

Because I read that if I eat before bed, my body is sooo busy pumping out insulin to mop that shit up that I can't produce enough growth hormone while I'm sleeping to look healthy.  Is this even true?  PROBABLY, but the point is

I'm like THIS NOW

PLUG ME BACK IN!
PLUG ME BACK INNNNNNNN!!!!!

THAT'S RIGHT! I'm freaking NEO from The Matrix now!  I've just been cut out of my nice, warm, slimy pod of blissful ignorance, shot down a dirty tube into a river of sludge called REALITY, and now I'm in REALITY, which in the movie is called Zion, and everyone else is still plugged in to the LIE and they're eating their Doritos and sucking down their HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP, and washing themselves with gorgeously scented chemical-laden bath washes, and it's sunny, and they wear cool clothes and they're HAPPY but nooooo not me....

I'm in ZION wearing RAGS and eating HEALTHY GRUEL and drinking bullshit cocktails with real juice instead of pop

AND MY GOD...I CAN'T EVEN HAVE COFFEE MATE ANY LONGER!  IT HAS TRANS FATS AND A WHOLE SLEW OF HORRIBLE INGREDIENTS!  AND I LOVE COFFEE MATE! IT MAKES COFFEE CREAMY IN A WAY THAT FRIGGING CREAM NEVER CAN

AND IT SUCKS!  SOMETIMES IT SUCKS. SO. HARD.


I do feel pretty damn good though.

But damn, it sucks so hard.





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